


Lullaby

by SuchStuffAsDreamsAreMadeOn



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Capture, Cassian is ready/willing to die, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Angst, Lullaby Pill, Panic Attacks, Post-Battle of Scarif, Thoughts of Suicide, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 07:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10872234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuchStuffAsDreamsAreMadeOn/pseuds/SuchStuffAsDreamsAreMadeOn
Summary: "The distress call finished its transmission just as the doors to their ship were forced open with a burst of sparks.  Jyn brought down three Stormtroopers before they could even finish getting the doors open, but in a moment the small cabin was flooded with ‘troopers and Cassian held up his had to Jyn.  His face was still and serious but Jyn could see the fear behind his eyes.  They had remained locked with hers as they both slowly lowered their weapons to the ground."Jyn and Cassian are captured by the Empire.





	Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> I have to take a moment to express my unending gratitude to [Kobo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kobo) for all her amazing help on this piece. If you don't know her work already go check it out! She is a wonderful writer and friend.

The distress call finished its transmission just as the doors to their ship were forced open with a burst of sparks. Jyn brought down three Stormtroopers before they could even finish getting the doors open, but in a moment the small cabin was flooded with ‘troopers and Cassian held up his had to Jyn. His face was still and serious but Jyn could see the fear behind his eyes. They had remained locked with hers as they both slowly lowered their weapons to the ground.

“Keep moving,” a ‘trooper snaps at Jyn as she stumbles over the grated floor. Next to her Cassian’s eyes flick to her face, his hands chained, like hers, in front of him, as they continue their march towards the base’s detention center. 

The Imperial ship locked onto them just as they were leaving Nakadia. The mission had been compromised when one of Cassian’s contacts turned them in. While the two of them managed to blast their way out of the city their ship had been captured and boarded before they could do anything but send one last encoded message to the Rebellion, warning of their immanent capture. 

The Imperial base they have been brought to is relatively small – likely an outpost on one of Nakadia’s moons, the nearest permanent Imperial presence in the system – and the detention center, therefore, is much smaller than other prisons Jyn has had experience with. Their escorts are kind enough to free their hands before Cassian and Jyn are unceremoniously tossed into a cell. The door is shut behind them with a clang of metal hitting metal and then they are alone.

Jyn doesn’t actually believe banging on the door and yelling to be let out would really work. But she does it anyway, throwing her frustration and fear – as well as her fists – at the metal along with as many curse words as she can think of in as many languages as she knows. Swear words had been the first Festian phrases she had picked up from Cassian, followed closely by her favorite term – _mi amor_ \- and she is sure Princess Leia would be proud when the term ‘nurf-herder’ crosses her lips. Only after her hands are bruised and her voice is hoarse does she turn back to Cassian.

He sits quietly on the single built in bench – the only distinction in the small, blank room – his head bowed, his hands resting in his lap. Kneeling in front of him Jyn can see that his eyes are far away, staring seemingly at nothing, but from the way his hands – still covered in dried blood – shake Jyn knows what he is seeing.

They had been inside a contacts house when the Empire caught up with them. The woman – Addah - had been passing information to the Alliance for a few years, and while Cassian had met with her several times before, it was Jyn’s first time on Nakadia. When Jyn asked Addah why she chose to help the Rebellion she had smiled proudly and told them of her eight year old son who lived with his father but who, she said, would live in the better world his mother helped to create. When the Stormtroopers came and turned their blasters on her Cassian held Addah as she died. The ‘troopers had ripped him away from her before her dying pleas to see her son one last time were cold on her lips. 

Jyn slips her hands into his, squeezing them gently to bring his eyes back to hers. They focus on her face after a moment and Jyn is sure he can read the pain and sorrow in her eyes. She hadn’t known the woman, but Cassian had, and even in their few minutes together Jyn had seen her kindness and strength. 

“I’m sorry, Cassian,” Jyn whispers, the inadequacy of her words stinging her. And yet what more could she say?

When he speaks, Cassian’s voice is devoid of feeling. “She trusted me.” _She trusted me and I let her down._

“This wasn’t your fault, Cassian. You couldn’t have known. No one could have. You can’t blame yourself.” He can and Jyn knows he will, but the pain in his eyes is hers just as much as it is his. Jyn wishes she could kill every person who had ever caused such pain to appear in Cassian’s beautiful eyes.

She leans up and presses a kiss to his scratchy cheek, then slides onto the bench next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. His shirt is covered in blood but knowing it’s not his stops her from franticly searching him for injuries. As it is all she can do is rub small circles into his back and murmur the occasional comforting word. 

They sit for a while in the quiet of the cell, drawing comfort from each other’s presence. Finally Cassian pulls in a breath and Jyn looks up at him.

“They’re going to search us,” he whispers, his focus flicks back to his long fingers intertwined with hers. Jyn knows where his thoughts have gone and hers stray there, too, to the small blue pill sewing into the lining of their sleeves, promising a painless death in five seconds. He is telling her this might be their last chance to take them. She knows had she not been there with him, he would have taken his already.

“We’re going to get out, with or without the Alliance’s help,” she tells him, more confidence in her voice than in her heart. “We’ll make it, Cassian. You and I. Together.” They hadn’t taken the lullaby pills when their ship had been caught in the tractor beam, they hadn’t taken them when the Stormtroopers broke through their blast doors, and they weren’t going to take them now. 

Jyn knew she would die someday, but she hadn’t survived Jedha and Scarif and the innumerable life threatening missions since just to take a pill at the first sight of the Empire. “We’re going to keep fighting, Cassian. For the Alliance and for Addah.” _And for you._

Cassian’s fingers tighten around hers. “You and I. Together,” he repeats, his accent coloring her words. He captures her cheek in his hand and kisses her. She can taste his sorrow and his hope on his lips.

They would have done more, would have said more. Would have planned their escape together if they had been given the time. But as they break apart the door slides open and then there are blasters in their faces and firm commands that squeeze Jyn’s heart.

“Take him. Leave the girl.”

****

Jyn isn’t sure who is being tortured, her or Cassian. Sometimes in the silence between her heartbeats she thinks she can hear his screams. She tells herself they are in her mind, her brain conjuring the sounds of Cassian’s pain. But then she remembers how small the station is, how few cells they passed on their way in, and she wonders if the sounds really are just in her head. And she wonders which would be worse.

She paces the small space until she makes herself dizzy, then pounds on the door again, and finally she sits on the bench, eyes closed, knee bouncing so fast she doubts she could count the pulses. 

Time ticks by without Jyn knowing – having no way to tell how much time has passed she can only assume that what to her is prolonged, painful hours are actually only minutes in reality – and Jyn waits. She waits and tries not to think, about Cassian or about what they are doing to him or, most of all, about if she will even see him again before they come for her. And yet how can she not think?

She fingers her cuff, finding the hard bump of the lullaby pill. She knows she won’t take it. She had told Cassian they wouldn’t and he had agreed. She would wait for him, knowing that no matter what pain she is going through Cassian’s must be much worse. So much worse. A part of her wants to take the pill out and grind it under the heel of her boot, a show of defiance against the Empire’s power and the Alliance’s fear. Jyn had survived much worse than this. But she leaves the pill concealed in her cuff, the memories of Wobani and the knowledge that had she had a way out then – no matter how desperate – she would have taken it, weighing on her. She pushes the thoughts to the back of her mind. She’s not alone, she reminds herself. This time she has Cassian. 

Finally the door slides open and two guards enter, dragging Cassian between them. He is limp, eyes closed, and the moment they throw him to the floor Jyn is there, cradling his head in her lap. She doesn’t even hear the guards leave.

“Cassian!” Her voice breaks and she forces herself not to give in to the hot, wet tears threatening to spill onto her cheeks. Cassian’s beautifully dark eyes remain closed and Jyn’s breath chokes in her throat.

She shakes him slightly; panic fluttering like a wounded bird in her chest. “Cassian, please, wake up,” she begs. Jyn has no idea what they did to him, but her mind is quick to supply her with images. She does her best to push them away but the terror bubbles up inside her. Cassian’s heartbeat is weak under her fingers. “You – you have to stay with me. You can’t leave me alone here.” 

The weight of her fear presses her down and she lays her head on Cassian’s chest. Her shoulders shake with suppressed sobs. She never thought she would have so long with Cassian. She thought they would die on Scarif. They had been together and they had succeeded in transmitting the plans. That would have been enough for her and she would have held Cassian until they died on that beach. But they hadn’t. Somehow they had gotten out and they had kept living, despite the pain and danger and nightmares. They had been given the time to grow and change and they had discovered a love for each other amidst the uncertainty and fear of war. They would die someday, but somewhere between the sickening tremors that rack through Jyn’s body Jyn realizes that she is not – and maybe never again will be – ready for that day. Not if they don’t go together. Not if they aren’t at peace. 

“Please, don’t leave me.” 

A hand tangles itself into Jyn’s hair and she gasps, pulling away with a shock and looking down at Cassian. His face is pale and it makes his eyes – his open eyes – look even darker. Jyn doesn’t even know if she could put a name to the sound that escapes her, laughter and tears, terror and pure joy mixing together in her throat. 

“Jyn…” His voice is weak and his hand shakes – although not as much as hers, Jyn notes distantly – when he reaches for her. 

She grips his hand gently. “I’m here, Cassian. It’s alright now.” She had always been a good liar, but she doubts anyone could sell that line. Nevertheless Cassian seems to take comfort from her touch and his body relaxes against her. 

Quickly Jyn checks him over for external wounds. She doesn’t find any – nor was she expecting to. The Empire is rarely that sloppy, preferring instead to inflict invisible pain – especially when valuable intel might be on the line.

As if he can hear her thoughts Cassian’s hand in hers tightens. “I didn’t tell them anything, Jyn.” Jyn shakes her head, tears blurring her vision.

“I know. Of course you didn’t, Cassian.”

He reaches up to her cheek, brushing his fingers against her skin. “It’s ok, Jyn. We’re going to get out. I’m not going to leave you alone. I promise.”

Jyn nods, stroking the hair from Cassian’s forehead and not trusting herself to speak. They sit together in silence, offering each other what little comfort they have to give. Time – as it had for Jyn before – morphs, but this time she measures it in comforting touches instead of frantic heartbeats. 

Cassian sleeps for a while and seems to regain some of his strength. Jyn can feel her muscles stiffening, but Cassian is warm and alive under her hand so she closes her eyes and measures her breaths, focusing her mind on plans for escape, and not on what will happen the next time their door opens.

But of course the door does open. 

The blasters and uniforms are the same – always the same – but this time the Stormtroopers have come for Jyn. 

Both she and Cassian are on their feet the moment the door hisses as the locks release and Jyn’s jaw is set when they reach for her.

“No!” Cassian is almost as pale as the ‘troopers own armor, but that doesn’t stop him from launching himself at them. 

Jyn knows it’s not an escape attempt. It’s not even a thought out plan. It’s simply Cassian – who so rarely gives in to his emotions, whose purpose in the Rebellion is to push away his feelings and do what needs to be done, who had watched Jyn for months with shrouded eyes before finally giving in and kissing her – being driven purely by anger and overwhelming fear - the same fear that Jyn had felt when they took him from her. The only difference is that Cassian knows what they will do to her. Jyn could only guess.

Jyn sees the blaster a moment before Cassian, but the first Stormtrooper has already grabbed her and all she can do is call out. “Cassian, don’t!” 

The butt of the ‘trooper’s blaster slams into Cassian’s head. Jyn remembers the sickening sound from her months on Wobani. It equates itself with screaming inmates, ill-conceived escape attempts, and solitary confinement. For a moment the sound alone threatens to send Jyn into a panic. 

Cassian stumbles but manages, somehow, to stay on his feet. It doesn’t matter, though, because in the brief moment of confusion and ringing ears the Stormtrooper’s hand is around Cassian’s throat and the ‘trooper hurls him to the floor.

Jyn screams, kicks, and bucks wildly against the ‘trooper who is now restraining her with both arms around her slight waist. She fights and shouts and claws, every fiber of her reverberating with the need to get to Cassian.

His eyes meet hers from across the cell, a thousand unsaid words – each overshadowed by a terror that chokes Jyn faster than any hand ever could – in his wide-eyed, unwavering look before the blaster connects with his head once again. 

Jyn is carried, shrieking, out of the unit. Her boots hardly touch the ground once, and the last image of Cassian’s unresponsive body lying on the floor imprints itself on her mind.

She doesn’t stop fighting until a ‘trooper tosses her into an interrogation room in front of five more Stormtroopers. With each blaster trained on her, Jyn’s self preservation instincts – once so honed as she struggled to survive after Saw abandoned her to a life of running and hiding – finally kick in. She stills but stares the ‘troopers down, her gaze burning more than any blaster shot ever could. 

“Prep her,” one of the soldier’s orders and two more approach her. At blaster-point Jyn is stripped of her outer clothing. Her jacket, scarf, and shirt are quickly removed, leaving her shivering in just a tank top. 

“Dispose of these.” Her clothes are tossed to another ‘trooper and Jyn shudders, knowing what comes next. She sets her jaw and for a moment allows herself the pleasure of imagining how she would kill each of these Stormtroopers if she had the chance. 

A blaster is at her back and she is ready to be led away when a command rings out.

“Stop.”

The Commander steps towards her and Jyn flinches back when he reaches out and grasps the string around her neck, drawing Jyn’s Kyber crystal up from where it had rested safely between her breasts. For a moment Jyn cannot breathe – the ‘trooper holds her mother, her father, and all that Jyn had once been in his hand – then a sharp tug breaks both the cord and Jyn. She screams as the Stormtrooper turns away with her necklace in hand and only the strong hands of the guards on either side of her dragging her away keep Jyn from attacking him.

Somewhere in her mind Jyn knows that kicking and screaming will do her no good. The torture has only just begun. 

*****

Mind numbing, all consuming pain is Cassian’s first awareness. His head throbs, the agony spiking through his skull slightly worse than the pain radiating through the rest of his body. Before his mind can even begin to focus his training kicks in, assessing the extent of his injuries. Definite concussion from the blaster. The rest of his discomfort originated with the torture Cassian had received. No external wounds, only internal suffering. The IT-O droid had done its work well. The electric shocks, followed by chemical injections, had kept Cassian screaming, convulsing under the restraints, on the brink of unconsciousness. But every time darkness promised to release Cassian into the mercy of oblivion, the droid had brought him back, each time with a fresh form of torment. He had no way of knowing how long his torture had lasted, but he knew he hadn’t given up any information. When the droid finally allowed him to pass out his last thoughts had been for Jyn. 

_Jyn._

Cassian doesn’t know how long he has been unconscious, but the blood at his temple has already dried, so it must have been at least a half hour. He knows exactly what they could have been doing to her in that time, the pain screaming through him with each breath he takes a testament to the efficiency of the IT-O torture droids. He needs to find a way to get to her, a way to help her, his every instinct shrieking to do everything in his power to shield her from torture the Empire had in store. But it is already too late. He tried to stop them and they had taken her anyway. He trembles at the thought of Jyn, strapped to a table, a droid causing her own blood to turn to acid in her veins as she screams in helpless anguish. He knows that when he sleeps - if he ever sleeps again - it will be her pain that worms its way into his nightmares, not his own. 

He realizes suddenly that the sound of the cell door opening must be what brought him back to consciousness, but when he raises his head he sees that a lone ‘trooper has entered his cell, not a pair escorting Jyn back to him as he momentarily hoped. Cassian pushes himself to his feet, his head swimming at the movement. 

“The Commander wanted you to know,” the Stormtrooper tells him, his voice modulator making even the next words sound flat, though they scream through Cassian’s ears and seem to rip all hope, all life, out of the galaxy. “The girl is dead. The rest of your rebel friends will be soon.”

There is a small clink as the ‘trooper tosses something at Cassian - he doesn’t catch it, his brain having slowed to a painful crawl - then turns and leaves. Cassian hardly hears the door close.

She can’t be dead, Cassian tells himself. He would know. Somehow the Force - or whatever it was that connected him to Jyn - would tell him. 

But Cassian had never been Force-sensitive. He had watched Chirrut and Luke and respected their powers, their belief, but he had never shared them. He had believed in Rebellions and blasters and with those came capture and death. He had always known this, and he had accepted it - but that was before he had found other things to believe in. Family and home and Jyn. And as his eyes land on the small crystal - the same crystal he knows belongs around Jyn’s neck - lying on the hard cell floor, Cassian is certain, Force be damned, that he is more alone now that he has ever been before. 

The Kyber shakes in his hands as he lifts it from the ground. He wishes he could say that he felt some spark of life, some connection to Jyn through it. But it is cold and dead, just as any rock would feel and just, he fears, as Jyn is now. All Cassian can do is clutch the crystal to his chest and gasp for the air stolen from his lungs by the ‘trooper’s words.

Time seems to vaish entirely, both inside and outside the cell. Cassian blocks out everything, the noises from beyond the door seeming to simply say over and over; _You are here. You are lost. You are alone._

The crystal bites into Cassian’s palm, the pain bringing some semblance of clarity to his mind. Enough, at least, to focus on a single truth and the single action left open to him. Jyn is gone. But he has a way to follow her.

His movements are slow and deliberate and his fingers do not shake as he places Jyn’s necklace over his own neck. A temporary weight, he reminds himself. He will return it to her soon enough.

The stitching in his cuff rips out with little effort. The pill is meant to be reached when wearing handcuffs. This escape must always be an option. 

Noises continue to come from outside the cell door, but what does Cassian care? He will be dead when they come for him again. The lullaby pill sits, aqua blue, in his palm. His other hand reaches up to grasp the necklace again, just as he had so often when it sat in its place around Jyn’s neck.

A memory swims to the surface of Cassian’s grief-muddled mind. He was thirteen when he was sent on his first solo mission. They had needed someone young, someone inconspicuous. Someone who could blend into the background and who no one would remember after he had gone. Cassian had been begging to be sent on a mission alone, so when Dravin had summoned him and debriefed him - with Mon Mothma nodding along behind him - Cassian had clasped his hands behind his back, just as he had seen Dravin himself do, and straightened his shoulders with pride.

After the meeting Dravin had steered Cassian down a quiet hallway. It was one Cassian knew well. The names of fallen Alliance heroes watched them as they walked together past the lists of old Jedi Knights, tributes to fallen pilots, and past his own parents’ names. They stopped at the memorial for those who had taken their own life rather than be captured and risk exposing Rebel intelligence. Draven turned to face him.

“You know what this is, Cassian?” he asked, holding up a small aqua blue pull. 

“It’s the lullaby, isn’t it, sir?”

“That’s right, Andor. If you are captured, on this or any mission, this pill is your way out. It is your best, and only escape. You take it, and you thank the Force for it. Do you understand, boy?”

Cassian had lifted his chin and with a proud “Yes, sir,” had accepted the pill from Dravin. He had stitched the pill into his cuff - the opportunity to avenge his parents and gather intelligence for the Alliance singing in his young blood- never once considering that he would one day need the sleep the lullaby offered. 

He had been young and foolish and so full of hope. 

They will be considered heroes by the Rebellion, giving their lives for the cause. Their names would be etched into a wall on a base and perhaps someday another thirteen year old would learn their names with envy and respect in their naive heart. But Cassian won’t do it for the Alliance. Or for the boy who had thought the Alliance would bring him happiness and peace. He will do it for Jyn. 

There is another sound from outside and with a sudden hiss Cassian’s cell door opens. For a moment he and the Stormtrooper seem caught, staring at each other across the small room. Then, although he can’t see the ‘trooper’s eyes, Cassian can feel his attention flick down to the pill in his hand.

If time had seemed to slow for Cassian since news of Jyn’s death it now does the opposite, shooting into overdrive faster that Cassian’s mind can comprehend. He is dimly aware of a shout - _“Cassian, no!”_ \- before the ‘trooper lunges at him.

In some other world Cassian would have tried to kill the Stormtrooper. He would have avenged Jyn’s death and escaped, making it back to the Rebellion and continuing the fight that had, for however brief a time, offered the woman he loved a home. But this is not that universe and Cassian - with the pain of Jyn’s death ripping its way through his chest - is not that strong. All he can think of, all he can try and hope to do, is take the pill before he is forced to face one more moment without Jyn. 

Before the pill can pass his lips, however, the Stormtrooper is on top of him. Their combined weight knocks them both to the ground and the struggle that ensues is mayhem. Somewhere in his mind Cassian registers that it is strange that this Stormtrooper is shouting his name, but in a moment the lullaby pill, Cassian’s only hope, slips from his grasp and all remaining coherent thought is gone. 

Cassian has always been restrained, always in control - it is what he knows and what has made him into the officer he is- but the blind and frantic fight that follows is as wild and uncontrolled as it brief. After a moment of flying limbs and fists the ‘trooper has him pinned, Cassian trapped under him, at least long enough for the Stormtrooper to pull of the helmet and for a pair of wide green eyes to meet his.

Cassian thinks, for a moment, that if there were ever a sea so beautifully green as her two eyes he would find it and happily forget how to swim if it meant being enveloped by that green forever. If there is any sort of reward at the end of all of these struggles he would like to think that this would be it. Maybe he had succeeded in taking the lullaby pill after all and seeing Jyn’s face hovering above him is his five seconds of bliss before the end.

But, he thinks, if that were the case, Jyn wouldn’t be wearing Stormtrooper armor, breathing hard, and she wouldn’t be shaking him.

“Cassian, come on! We have to go!”

His hands find her cheeks and for just a moment she stills under his touch. She is real and warm beneath his fingers and Cassian is sure that there has never been a more beautiful sight on any planet at any point in time. 

“Jyn.” His voice is soft and the serenity captures them, together, for one perfect instant.

Then the world explodes.

Jyn covers Cassian’s body with her own, the blast ending as suddenly as it started. Debris falls around them and smoke and yelling filter in from the hallway, then Baze’s perpetually gruff face appears from around the corner.

“Come on, little sister! Time to go!”

Jyn pushes herself off Cassian with a groan, grabbing his hand and hauling him to his feet behind her. His head pounds and his legs feel as though they aren’t quite part of his anatomy anymore, but Jyn takes his weight and pulls him into the corridor where Commander Solo, Chirrut, Baze, and K2 wait, Stormtroopers littering the ground along with the rest of the wreckage left from the grenade. K’s right shoulder is smoking slightly and Chirrut leans a bit more heavily than usual on his staff, but otherwise they seem unharmed. 

“Come on, kid,” Solo calls to Jyn, “we don’t have much time. Chewie can only keep the _Falcon_ hidden for so long.” Han Solo has never been Cassian’s favorite person, but he is grateful when the smuggler pulls Cassian’s other arm over his shoulders, taking much of the strain from Jyn. From the way her body she shook under him he wasn’t sure how much longer she could have held his weight.

While Jyn, it seemed, had snuck into the detention block using stealth and the ‘trooper armor she had acquired, they escape with no such subtlety. They probably wouldn’t have made it if not for the low number of troops at the outpost and a timely tip from Chirrut that lead them along a slightly longer but quieter rout.

Blaster fire rains around them as they sprint out of the hanger and towards the rondevu point. The rocky landscape of the moon makes for difficult running, but instinct and adrenalin have taken over and Cassian manages to keep his feet under him without too much of Han’s help, despite his concussion. 

Chewbacca appears at the top of the _Millennium Falcon’s_ entrance ramp and calls - Cassian is sure, despite not generally being able to understand the Wookie - for them to hurry. Baze reaches the _Falcon_ first and he and Chewbacca stand post at the entrance, covering the others - with bowcaster and repeater cannon alike - as they tumble to the ramp.

Cassian has spent every moment of their frenzied, impossible escape keeping Jyn in his sightlines, terrified that if she vanishes for even one second she will be taken from him forever. She runs just ahead of him, turning back every so often to fire her stolen blaster at the troops behind them that gain ground with each moment. Her mouth is set and her eyes are tight. To anyone else she might simply look worried, like she’s concentrating on getting off this Force-forsaken moon. But Cassian knows Jyn and he can see she is in pain. Where that pain originates from Cassian can only guess. And he’s trying his best not to. She falls briefly, but Chirrut catches her and together they stumble into the _Falcon_. 

Han waves the rest of them on board then sprints to the cockpit. 

“Bodhi, get us out of here!”

Bodhi must hear because the moment Baze is clear they are airborne. The rest of the crew filter quickly into the common area. Chewbacca is yelling at Han about something - presumably being left in the ship with Bodhi - and K2 is spouting the statistical likelihood, or unlikelihood, of them making out of the sector alive. 

The passengers quickly grab onto whatever stable objects they can find as the _Falcon_ shakes and spins under enemy fire. Cassian gratefully sinks into a seat at the technical station, the whirling of the ship only serving to worsen the pounding in his head. He grips the workbench, eyes seeking Jyn, who has fallen onto one of the lounge seats, her borrowed Imperial armor battered but showing no signs of serious damage. His heart tightens knowing that, for better or worse, the pain written across Jyn’s frighteningly pale face isn’t from any blaster wound. 

“We’re gonna need some help here!” Han shouts down the hallway and Baze and Chirrut - whose abilities Cassina has long since given up doubting - run to the gun wells. 

Even K2 falls silent as blasts shatter the air around them, then the sounds of the _Falcon_ firing back fill the ship, followed quickly by enthusiastic cheering. 

“Oh good, they’ve actually hit something,” K observes. “Not that it’ll matter if the hyperdrive gives out again.” Cassian shoots the droid a half exasperated, half affectionate look before the ship dips again and the firing resumes. 

A blast hits the ship and they are tossed about wildly. Random tools, scrap parts, and papers fly off the technical station and K’s legs waver dangerously. Jyn lets out a cry, her face grimacing in fear and pain. Even from a few feet away Cassian can see the way her jaw clenches. He wishes he could go to her. If it weren’t for the near constant shaking of the ship and exchange of fire, he would, concussion be damned.

“Everyone hold on!” comes Solo’s shout, punctuated by a cry from Chewie. 

The ship bucks under them, then settles. The sound of gunfire fades as the ship, and all its passengers, are pulled into hyperspace. 

*****

Jyn clutches the edge of the hologram table as the _Millennium Falcon_ settles into hyperspace. She tightens her grip to stop her hands from shaking, keeping her focus trained on the table, the black and white squares of the currently inactive game, and the standard-issue Stormtrooper gloves she is wearing. She tunes out the noises around her, her own breathing loud in her ears. 

A hand on her shoulder - Cassian’s hand, of course - and a quiet “Jyn?” pull her out of her own mind with a start. A strangled gasp escapes her and she jolts away from the touch. She can only meet Cassian’s worried and confused eyes for a moment before she jumps from the bench and pushes herself past him, fleeing towards the crew cabins before the entire ship collapses in on her. 

Her panicked steps lead her blindly into one of the cabins. The door swings shut behind her and Jyn shakes, the frantic energy filling her body threatening to send her flying in every direction at once. 

She has to get the armor off. She can’t stand to be in it a moment longer, the stark whiteness of it sends her mind reeling back to Wobani, to Scarif, to a thousand other places she doesn’t want to go. To the cell only hours ago, to the sight of Cassian lying broken on the floor, and to the impassive ‘troopers who had calmly demanded the location of the Rebel base as she screamed and thrashed under the IT-O droid. She yanks the gloves off with her teeth then turns her trembling fingers to the armor’s straps, her wild energy sending her pacing, unable to stop moving, as she fumbles with the clasps. 

Cassian closes to door gently behind him. He had followed her - she knew he would, no matter how much she wished he hadn’t - and he stands quietly for a moment watching her as she struggles with the uniform. Her attempt to escape the choking armor becomes even more frenzied as she rips the pieces off her body. She can’t look at him, can’t stop moving, can’t stop her kriffing hands from shaking.

“Jyn.” Cassian’s voice is quiet and it shatters her. She throws down the last of the ‘trooper’s armor and suddenly she’s screaming. She throws herself at Cassian, fists flying wildly, hitting his chest over and over as she screams and sobs.

“How could you, you kirffing son of a Bantha! You were going to kill yourself! You were going to do it!”

Through the Stormtrooper’s mask she had seen the lullaby pill and her heart had nearly stopped. Had she been a moment later the cell door would have revealed only Cassian’s lifeless body, but she had pushed those thoughts back. The escape had pulled her mind away, but now the images ran through her head on a repeated loop; a hologram of horror. 

He stands there as she beats him, allowing Jyn to throw her fury and panic at him, his hands going to her shoulders to steady her as she hurls fists and words alike.

“You were going to make me watch you die! You promised not to leave me but you were going to take it anyway. How could you?! You promised!”

Her voice breaks and she struggles in his arms. Pain courses through her and she feels her strength began to fade. The others had gotten to her as fast as they could, but there had been plenty of time for the ‘troopers and torture droids to have their way with her. She had barely been conscious when Han and Baze had blasted down the door. The world tilts around her, turning dark at the edges. 

The empire’s torture had left her stunned and short of breath, but seeing Cassina with the lullaby pill had broken her in a way the Empire never could. She can’t stop, can’t calm down, can’t seem to breathe even as her shrieks turn to sobs and finally to hysterical gasps for air. It almost hadn’t mattered. It had almost been too late. Her entire frame shudders and retches, pain and terror mixing, taxing her body to the limit.

She thinks she can hear Cassian speaking but roaring loud as TIE fighters fills her ears and she is dimly aware that the frenzied pulsing surrounding her is actually her heartbeat. Once again everything is too close, the world closing in even as her head spins and sways and she staggers on her feet. Cassian’s arms try to capture her but she pushes him away, even Cassian unable to contain her panic. Her chest heaves for breath and her mind can only comprehend one thing.

_I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe._

***** 

Cassian lets Jyn strike him, the words she manages to get out through her sobs and incoherent screams piercing straight through his heart. It’s not, Cassian decides, that Jyn is pulling her punches so much as she is simply unable, in her current state, to actually land a good hit. He wants to calm her, to comfort her, but she seems beyond hearing him and when she stumbles and he tries to pull her into his arms she cries out, shoving him back. 

Jyn reels away, her breathing coming in irregular bursts. Cassian has seen her panic before, seen her ripped from dreams by her own terrified shouts, but this is different. She cannot seem to stay still, her feet shifting, her shaking hands pushing through her hair, and her eyes wide and frantic. He doesn’t want to crowd her, doesn’t want to send her further into the attack, but at the same time all he wants is to hold her.

A moment later she rocks on her feet, her entire body swaying, and her strength seems to break. She collapses with a cry, knees hitting the floor of the ship. She doubles over, pressing both hands to the ground as if she is trying to stop the room from spinning. Cassian imagines she probably is. Quickly Cassian kneels on the floor in front of her. 

“Hey, hey, I’m here. I’m right here,” he tells her. He keeps himself at arm's distance but raises his hands to her shoulders, pushing her body upright. He knows that if she’s having trouble breathing restricting her lung capacity isn’t going to help.

Jyn is no longer crying, all her energy seeming to be focused on the simple intake of breath. She convulses under his hands and her frantic eyes find his.

“Easy, Jyn. Just breathe.”

Jyn’s eyes squeeze shut and she shakes her head. A whimper escapes her.

“Jyn, listen to me. Look.” Cassian keeps his voice firm, his fingers squeezing into her shoulders. He takes a breath, steeling himself for what he has to say next. “I thought you were dead.” His words seem to reach her, enough, at least, for her eyes to flash open. “They told me they killed you. Told me you were dead.” Cassian’s voice shakes at the confession, but Jyn begins to still, her focus slipping momentarily away from the effort of breathing.

Cassian forces himself to continue, despite the feeling that his chest will be ripped in two if he allows himself to remember - even for one moment - the pain and overwhelming, incomprehensible loss he had felt in the cell. “They told me you were gone and I-I couldn’t do it, Jyn. I couldn’t keep going. Not without you. _Mi amor_ , I’m sorry.” His voice dips to a whisper, tentative fingers pushing away the hair that had fallen into Jyn’s face. “I’m so sorry.” 

Jyn captures his hand in her own, clinging to it like a lifeline, as if his grasp alone can lead her back to reality. Her breath continues to shudder in her chest, every inhale a struggle.

“That’s it. Easy,” Cassian murmurs. Jym whimpers again, her breath stuttering in her as she exhales. 

“Focus on me, Jyn. You can do it.” He holds her gaze and tightens his grip on her hand. “You know where you are. We’re all safe. You understand?” She nods desperately, unable to speak. “I just want you to breathe now, Jyn. You can do that.” 

She nods again but her eyes are still wet. Nevertheless she follows Cassian, her chest rising and falling, despite the occasional shudder, with his. His gaze and coaxing words guide her.

“Shh, _mi amor_.” 

Breath.

“It’s alright.”

In and out. 

“I’m right here.” 

Inhale, exhale. 

“You’re safe, now. We’re both safe.” 

Another breath.

“I promise. I won’t leave you.”

Just breathe.

Jyn keeps her eyes locked on Cassian’s, her body finally still except for the rise and fall of her chest with every breath - each deeper than the next. Then, slowly, she pushes herself closer to Cassian. When she presses her head into his shoulder and grasps his shirt in her fist Cassian finally allows himself to hold her, to rest his cheek on the top of her head, and to wrap his arms gently around her. It isn’t until that moment that he is sure she is truly safe. Truly alive.

They sit quietly together. Jyn has stopped crying and Cassian does his best to focus on her - on her warmth, on the weight of her body pressed to his - and not on his thoughts that bubble just below the surface. He pushes most of them down - thoughts of death and blood are chased away by Jyn’s presence in his arms - but there is one he cannot escape. One memory that resurfaces over and over, each time causing Cassian to hug Jyn a little closer, clutch her to him a little tighter. Finally it overwhelms him.

“Jyn?”

He can feel her breathe her response into his shoulder. 

“K2 and the others... they didn’t get to you in time, did they?” he trails off, knowing she’ll understand. There is silence and when Jyn answers she doesn't lift her head. She will not look him in the eyes.

“I’m alright, Cassian.” 

“You’re not,” he whispers. He thinks of the way she shook under his weight in the cell, of her pained cries as the ship had thrown her passengers about during the firefight, and of the way she had collapsed, only moments ago, her strength, as well as her breath, taken from her. She wasn’t alright. How could she be?

Finally Jyn looks up at him. She presses her palm to his chest, over his heart. “No,” she admits. “But I will be. We both will be.” 

Cassian closes his eyes at her response. He shifts under Jyn, raising his hands to the cord around his neck. “I believe this is yours,” he tells her. Tears have tracked their way through the dirt on her face, but her eyes light up at the sight of her crystal. 

“I thought I’d lost it,” she says as Cassian reaches to fasten the necklace back in its proper place. Jyn touches the Kyber crystal, wonder and grief mixing together on her face. “I thought I’d lost you both.” Her voice is small and Cassian pulls her back into him, not quite ready to let go of her. 

He had always known the Rebellion would take things from him, cause him pain. He always assumed it would take his life, in the end. He had accepted this, had believed he had gone past the point of no return, that there was no line he wouldn’t - and hadn't - crossed for the cause. Perhaps that remained true. What had changed, he realizes, is that the Alliance was no longer the only cause he’d given himself to, the only love to which he would dedicate his life. The woman in his arms, Cassian now knows, is his galaxy, his hope, and his home. And he would live - and die - by her side.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think. Comments always make my day!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr at [wearesuchstuff1](http://wearesuchstuff1.tumblr.com/). Come say hi!
> 
> Unfortunately I do not own Star Wars or Rogue One. Wish I did, though!


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